As a divorced mom, the holidays can be hard. I take care of myself when my kids are with my ex.

The author (not pictured) shares custody of her children during the holiday

Cavan Images/Getty Images/Cavan Images RF

I’m a mom of two and share custody with my ex-husband.I prepare gifts early and focus on self-care when they are not with me.As they get older, they still want to do holiday things with me, which makes me happy.

I remember the last Christmas as a family. There was the star on the tree, presents wrapped for the kids, and eggnog in the fridge, all while I was fending fights with my now ex-husband.

When I signed a lease on an apartment a couple of months later, I left behind the Christmas tree, the stockings, the nutcrackers, and every ornament.

I bought a new tree and ordered Christmas stockings, new ornaments, and some decorations as a fresh start after the divorce. That first Christmas as a single mom, I wanted to get my kids something special and playful. The snow globes I purchased are engraved with the year everything changed in our lives, four years ago.

It’s hard not having them every year

As a divorced mom, I’ll admit it isn’t easy to accept that I won’t see my kids every Christmas morning anymore. I’ve had my kids two Christmas mornings since our family split. I’m overjoyed this year my kids are with me again. I feel immense happiness knowing my kids will wake up at my home and dash to the tree at the crack of dawn instead of when they arrive mid-morning after being with their dad first.

There’s always a little grief when I wake up on Christmas morning, and my kids aren’t here. The waiting is excruciating for me. The divorce decree states that spending time with the kids for Christmas is split between even and odd years.

Navigating holidays as a divorced parent can feel stressful, and what’s helped is keeping traditions going, even if it means doing it myself. The first Christmas when it was just me and the kids, the reason I didn’t fall into depression was because the kids and I put up the tree early together, we went to see the holiday lights at the zoo, and watched “The Polar Express,” the Elf on the shelf carried on, and holiday songs were on repeat at my home.

The festivities showed my kids that the magic of Christmas is alive at my home. I assured them that the holiday would be a joyous time, even though the family dynamic changed.

I prepare early for the years they are not with me

I’ve learned to prepare early for gifts. I start talking to my kids about their wish lists before Halloween, and by then, I know the weeks we have together will fly by before it’s Christmas morning. I focus on the gifts my kids want most because I don’t know what will be under their dad’s tree.

When my kids are with their dad for Christmas morning, I’ve learned to focus on self-care to shield myself from sadness. I plan a morning of tenderness: dunking cookies in my fresh coffee, putting on a face mask, journaling, and making a phone call to my mom to hear her cheerful voice. I look at photos on my phone and reminisce about memories with my kids from the year before. I focus on my positive energy and the good ways that life has changed.

I remember my son adding the soccer ball ornament to the tree and my daughter adding the snowman she made in first grade. As my kids get older, to my delight, they still want to do the holiday traditions just the same. We are going to see the zoo lights again, and they are tilting the snow globes back and forth to make it snow, just like they did four years ago.