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Advice on social media often suggests openness in relationships.That can sometimes lead to constant ‘unpacking’ of problems.There are better and simpler ways to connect and resolve conflicts, therapists said.
Sandra White, 58, has been happily married for 18 years. But at the start of her relationship, she tended to unpack every issue she and her husband encountered.
“I used to call out every problem, all the time,” she told Business Insider, recalling smaller talks that would snowball into sit-down discussions. “It was super negative and caused a lot of friction.”
Amid the growing backlash against therapy-speak, White isn’t alone in questioning whether vocalizing every issue improves relationships.
A recent New Yorker cartoon, “Let’s Have a Long Talk About Our Relationship Before Bed!” depicts a woman lying beside her partner, her speech bubble enveloping his annoyed face. A viral meme poked fun at a frustrated couple peppering their monologues with misused phrases like “gaslighting” and “boundaries.”
Couples therapists also say they’ve noticed a recent uptick in relationship unpacking among clients. Avigail Lev, a licensed clinical psychologist in San Francisco, attributes part of the problem to social media, with people learning relationship advice from quick Instagram slideshows.
Steven Floyd, a licensed clinical social worker in New York City, told BI that clients will come in because their fights “center on a few particular topics, but they get rehashed over and over again.”
Social media can be misleading
Social media platforms are brimming with mental health advice. But even tips from professional therapists can be misinterpreted.
“The main things that people really get wrong online are boundaries and communication,” Lev said.
It’s easy to conflate either with lengthy demands. “You should have a goal, not just jibber jabber, not just dump feelings,” Lev added.
Mikhaela Delahunty, 40, was married for 16 years before she and her husband divorced. “I was constantly trying to unpack where things might’ve gone wrong,” she told BI. “Constantly fixing, fixing, fixing.”
Now that she’s dating again, she’s noticed how much social media content champions overthinking in relationships, such as lists of why someone might have an avoidant attachment style.
“We read these internet articles that try to justify reasons for their behavior,” Delahunty said, instead of letting the relationship go or finding different ways to connect.
Unpacking can be a form of control
Unpacking is often initiated by the same person each time, Floyd said. “The person who externalizes is overwhelming the person who internalizes, so they shut down,” he said. “But the wound for the person that externalizes is that they’re not heard. So when the other person shuts down, they double down.” It can create a pattern of fights that don’t go anywhere.
Frequent unpacking doesn’t work because it sets up sky-high expectations around a relationship’s progress. “If you’re expecting a cure with every conversation, there’s going to be a ruminative cycle,” Lev said.
Caroline Millet, 47, was married for a decade and is in a six-year relationship now. In her current partnership, the couple has “built-in mechanisms to make certain hot topics easier,” such as Asana, a project management platform, to keep track of to-dos. Millet said it’s a good way to take accountability “so you don’t feel like you’re pointing a finger.”
In White’s case, she and her husband learned an important communication trick from couples therapy: scheduling time each week to discuss issues rather than bringing them up whenever they wanted. Millet and her partner do the same when they feel a conflict looming.
This has made each couple more intentional about what they discuss rather than dumping their frustrations on each other.
Connection solves more than rehashing
While it may feel like hashing out issues brings partners closer together, Floyd said there’s a better way to bond. “If we really try to understand our partner, we tend to be able to dissolve the disagreements,” he said.
Drawing from his marriage, he said that if both partners come home tired from work, it may seem intuitive to argue over whose responsibility it is to walk the dog that night. “But actually, if we just said, ‘Hi, it’s so great to see you,’ inevitably one person goes, ‘You know what? I’ll take the dog,'” he said. “Because we start to see the other person.”
Leaning into small opportunities to connect can naturally get you on the same page more effectively than continual sit-down conversations, he said.
Along with their weekly conversations, White and her husband committed to doing more activities together, from attending local concerts to playing pickleball.
They also started to hug each other for 15 seconds every day.
“In the beginning, we actually timed it,” White said. “It wasn’t automatic to take this seemingly simple time for our relationship.”
Relationship work shouldn’t be so hard
Constantly unpacking relationship issues can delay the inevitable break-up. Delahunty eventually faced the hard truth that she and her husband weren’t compatible, no matter how many in-depth discussions they had.
For some, relationships stop feeling like so much work once they let go of perfectionism. “We don’t let roommate problems become relationship problems,” Millet said.
If one partner leaves a glass out or their shoes in the hallway, the other just fixes the problem and lets it go, she said. When they have little spats, “it turns into a joke right away, and then we just move on.”
White said her biggest lesson was ” taking responsibility for me and my expectations.”
Her therapist helped her look beyond a moment of irritation.
“Yes, I want to be with this man. He’s a wonderful man, so I need to think about is this worth a big conversation?” she said. “And sometimes they are. But a lot of the little things fall by the wayside.”
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