My 10-year-old doesn’t go outside the house alone. I’m teaching them independence in other ways.

My kid can’t leave the house unsupervised but still has more freedom in life than I ever did growing up.

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I started walking everywhere alone by age 8, but I don’t allow my kid the same independence.My kid is 10 and is not allowed to leave the house unsupervised because I don’t think they’re ready.Despite that, my child has more freedom over their life than I ever did growing up.

A couple of winters ago, I came across a letter my sister wrote me over 30 years ago describing how she’d ridden all over Berkeley, California with our cousin covering at least six miles in a single trip. They were both 11 at the time.

As a parent of a child nearing that age, I was gobsmacked.

I knew I was raising my child differently, offering less free-range than my siblings and I had growing up. However, I hadn’t realized just how vast the difference was.

Growing up, my sister and I started walking the nearly-mile-long trip to school alone, on quiet residential streets, when I was 8 and she was 6. After that, I started walking everywhere on my own — to music lessons and friends’ houses — and it was during those unsupervised hours that I gained some of my innate independence.

In contrast, I don’t feel safe letting my 10-year-old child go anywhere outside the house alone, for now.

I wish I could give my child more independence but we’re concerned about safety

My husband and I moved to Toronto not long before our only child was born.

Early on, I envisioned my baby becoming one of the street-smart kids I saw on the Toronto subway going to school unsupervised. As my child grew, though, my thinking evolved.

My kid doesn’t always pay the closest attention to their surroundings, and we live right outside a busy intersection where drivers rush around corners, through yellow lights, or run red ones.

Plus, four years ago I developed long COVID and because I now use a wheelchair, I am at child height, which makes me feel more on edge about being hit by a car.

All that is to say, we aren’t comfortable with our kid walking alone in our high-traffic neighborhood, for now.

I’m glad I can be there for my child in ways my parents weren’t for me

What looked like my parents granting me unlimited freedom often felt like being thrown to the wolves.

Strange men followed me and my friends on public transportation, men catcalled me from passing cars, and I was often gripped by a general sense of fear, constantly glancing behind me to ensure no man in a white van was coming to harm me.

I didn’t feel I could depend on my parents for anything beyond the basics of food, shelter, and clothing. So I’m thrilled to be more present for my child than my parents were for me.

Plus, my kid has more freedom over their life than I ever did before leaving home at 18.

As a fifth grader, they’re learning how to prepare simple dishes. They sell their old toys for money to buy new ones and have more business plans in the works.

On days when I’m too unwell, they take the grocery list and make an online shopping order from start to finish.

We’re preparing our child for adulthood in a large city

While I gained toughness as a girl out in the world with little supervision, I was also protected by my white privilege. As much as I wish otherwise, I know my child will face plenty of difficult situations ahead of them as an Afro-Latine teenager and adult.

I’d rather solidify my kid’s ability to stand up for themselves before unleashing the world on them.

To help them gain street smarts, my husband, who was bullied for being a small kid, has trained our child in self-defense since toddlerhood. We’re pacifists, but we also want our child to be able to protect themselves.

We also educate our kid about consent, how to find trusted outsiders for help, and physical safety. For example, in a large city with lots of drug use downtown, our kid knows how to identify discarded needles and what to do if they see one.

Since we homeschool, we have the flexibility to instill independence at a pace that feels safe to us and our child, helping them learn the skills they’ll need to succeed as an adult.

In the meantime, because of my husband’s job, we can’t leave Toronto. If we could move to a smaller city or town, we’d immediately give our kid more freedom to roam and explore. For now, we’re doing the best we can with what we have.