Valentine’s month is full of heart-to-hearts about commitment and sharing a life together. What rarely makes the highlight reel between the chocolates and candlelight, however, is that building a life together involves – and needs – money.
How couples organise their finances is one of the most important decisions they’ll ever make, yet many people don’t like talking about money. But simmering resentments and assumptions can quickly take the spark out of a relationship.
What often sits beneath those fights is not the finances themselves, but the psychology history, and the stories people believe about their money. How you grew up around money and what it represents to you now – safety, freedom, status, control – will determine how you and your partner manage your finances. So, before you start tracking every rand and cent in a spreadsheet, sit down for an honest conversation about your money histories and values and then decide how best to look after your cash.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all way to run the finances in a relationship, here are six “money models” couples typically tend to choose from:
1. The shared pot model
(A proportion of each person’s income goes into a shared pot)
This is one of the most common arrangements, where couples share responsibility for joint expenses, while keeping individual accounts for their personal spending. It gives you a sense of being a team without having to justify every coffee or impulse buy to each other.
In practice, this usually means opening a joint account for your shared expenses, including day-to-day expenses, planned holidays or property purchases, and short-term bills like groceries, utilities and school fees. You then decide on the split that works for you – many couples choose a split that is proportional to income, for instance, each one puts 60% of their salary in the pot. Retirement goals and savings could also come from this pot, depending on how you choose to structure things.
When setting up this financial model, talk about what counts as a shared expense, how often you’ll review the budget and who keeps an eye on the bigger picture.
2. The one pot model
(All the money goes into the same pot)
The one-pot model can work efficiently when a couple shares the same money values and goals. All income goes into a joint account, from which everything is paid. Both partners are completely open and transparent about their finances, including salary, debt, assets and spending.
When choosing this model, it’s important to be on the same page as your partner about savings, debt and spending, since every cent you spend – from your morning coffee to the boys’ weekend – will be visible to the other.
3. The breadwinner model
(One partner pays all the expenses, while the other keeps their own money separate, or contributes in other ways)
This model is common in households where one partner earns significantly more and covers all joint expenses. It can work well when both people are clear about how financial decisions are made and what your long-term goals are, and where there is respect and appreciation for what each person brings to the table – because a home doesn’t just run on money.
Without frank discussions and agreement, using this financial model runs the risk of creating a power imbalance. Over time, the partner paying all the bills can start to feel resentful, or even like they have the right to make all decisions for the couple. When choosing this model, make sure you have regular check-ins about your finances and shared goals, and talk about what you would do if the main earner suddenly lost their income.
4. The account manager model
(One partner looks after all the money)
In this model, one partner takes on the admin of running all your finances. They’re not necessarily the main earner, but they are usually the more organised one, or the one who is more interested in and comfortable with dealing with money. This model relies on full transparency: both partners should have access to all accounts, and you should have regular check-ins about your financial position. Ideally, partners will make major financial decisions together instead of letting the account manager take charge by default.
Having one person in control of all the money can leave the other partner exposed. If something changes suddenly, that knowledge gap can become a real problem, for instance if you can’t access money because you don’t have logins, or you’re held liable for debt you didn’t know you had. It is crucial to agree beforehand on complete openness and to have a plan in place for if something changes.
5. The separate pots model
(Each partner keeps all their money separate and splits shared costs)
This model appeals to couples who value financial independence and earn roughly the same. Each person manages their own money, while shared expenses are divided between them. You have to be clear upfront about how you are going to handle the nitty gritty – do you go to Checkers together and split the bill at the till, or do you take turns buying groceries? Does one buy the TV while the other gets the curtains? Keeping track of the daily details can be exhausting, but long-term goals are even trickier: does each one have their own retirement savings? How will you handle wildly different pensions if your plans aren’t aligned? It’s very important to have conversations about your goals and values beforehand so that even if you keep your money separate, you move towards the future together.
6. No model at all
(There is no agreed structure for managing money)
In this setup, nothing is defined or discussed. Money is handled as it comes up, and both partners assume the other has everything under control. Bills get paid, but longer-term planning tends to be vague or postponed.
The problem with this head-in-the-sand model is not just practical, but emotional. Small oversights and assumptions can snowball into resentment, while unplanned expenses or unrealistic expectations create stress. These arguments are rarely about money, though – they are about uncertainty and different priorities.
This is not a financial model most couples choose deliberately – it’s what happens when you let conversations about your finances slide. The good news is that it’s the easiest pattern to change. Even a simple agreement about who pays what and how decisions are made can open the door to a financial model that actually works for both of you.
