My $540-a-night cabin on the world’s largest cruise ship was shockingly small and disappointing

I was assigned one of the ocean-view balcony cabins on deck 14, near the spa.

The cruise operator is going after multi-generational families. Makes sense — the Icon of the Seas looks like a giant floating amusement park. 

I can be a picky cruise cynic. But I have a right to be disgruntled by a stateroom bathroom so small, it made a cryotherapy chamber look like a mansion.

The mega-ship is spending its first year operating weeklong cruises from Miami to Mexico, the Caribbean, and Royal Caribbean’s private island, Perfect Day at CocoCay. 

Some of the ship’s balcony cabins face the interior, either onto Icon’s plant-filled Central Park or the colorful kid friendly Surfside neighborhood.

Thankfully, my 50-square-foot balcony — a fourth of the size of the cabin’s interior — overlooked the ocean, serving as my meditative reprieve from the chaotic mega-ship.

Two twin mattresses were pushed together to make the king-sized bed.

Unfortunately for my back pain, the hard ridge that marked where the two beds met made me feel like I was a princess sleeping on a pea.

But I’ll pretend my bed’s view of the TV, which included Chromecast, makes up for this.

“Room” used loosely. Like most cruise cabins, it was just a couch and a desk with a vanity.

Not much to say here: The space wasn’t a standout.

(I’m just saving my breath for all of my gripes with the bathroom.)

But the one in my stateroom made my apartment’s box of a bathroom like a palatial retreat fit for a king (of a porcelain throne).

The room couldn’t fit more than one person at a time. It could barely accommodate my bony elbows.

Some hair conditioner would’ve been nice, especially after a few hours at the ship’s chlorine-filled water park and hot tubs.

But I should’ve expected it — I had the same complaint when I sailed on Icon’s predecessor and the previous world’s largest cruise ship, Wonder of the Seas.

Problems aside, I’ll admit the bathroom carried surprisingly decent storage: three sets of shelves and a deep drawer.

Thankfully, I have minimal complaints in this department.

Small shelves were subtly integrated near the TV, the desk had plenty of drawers, and the closet was, well, a closet.

The wardrobe’s metal bins let out ear-piercing screeches at every move. It was a lazy design decision, and I’m sure some cheap felt pads could’ve saved me a few winces.

And I’ll admit I found myself retreating to my stateroom more times than I expected during my three nights on Icon.

The ship was overwhelming. My cabin was not.

The cost to vacation in Icon’s balcony cabin is comparable to an ultra-luxury cruise ship.

Please, sir, I want some more square footage in the bathroom, towels that don’t shed, a comfortable bed, and maybe even a drop of hair conditioner. (That’s what Oliver Twist said, right?)

Cruises are often seen as a reasonable vacation value proposition. 

Besides the cabin, the cost to sail on the mega-ship also includes fun nighttime entertainment, half of the ship’s restaurants, and activities like mini-golf.

You’re paying to spend your afternoons flailing around Icon of the Seas’ six-slide water park and indulging in as many hot dogs as your heart desires.