I’ll never forget the Monday morning my supervisor called me into his office. “I’ve reviewed your proposal,” he said, sliding the document across his desk. It was covered in red ink. My heart sank. My face grew hot. Before he could say another word, I heard myself launching into explanations: “I didn’t have enough time,” “The data wasn’t available,” “If you had told me earlier what you wanted…”
He let me finish. Then he said quietly, “Ruth, I’m trying to help you. But I can’t if you won’t listen.”
That moment changed my career. Not because of what he said about my proposal, but because of what he revealed about my defensiveness. I was so busy protecting my ego that I was blocking my own growth.
If you’ve ever felt your shoulders tense when your supervisor says “Can we talk about your report?” or found yourself mentally preparing rebuttals while someone is still speaking, you’re not alone. Defensiveness is perhaps the most common barrier to professional development. And ironically, the people who need feedback most are often the ones most resistant to receiving it.
Follow us on WhatsApp | LinkedIn for the latest headlines
Why We Build Walls
Defensiveness is a survival mechanism. When we perceive criticism, our brains interpret it as a threat. The same neural pathways that protected our forefathers from physical danger now activate when our boss questions our judgment or points out our mistakes.
We get defensive because feedback feels personal. When someone critiques our work, we hear: “You’re not good enough.” When they suggest improvements, we translate it to: “You’re incompetent.” Our identity becomes entangled with our output, and any critique of the latter feels like an attack on the former.
There’s also the cultural dimension. Many of us were raised in environments where saving face matters deeply. Admitting error or accepting correction can feel like public humiliation, especially in hierarchical workplace settings where respect and authority carry significant weight.
And let’s be honest: sometimes defensiveness comes from a place of genuine hurt. Perhaps the feedback was delivered poorly. Perhaps it felt unfair. Perhaps we’ve been working ourselves to exhaustion and this feels like the final blow. These feelings are valid. But acting on them in the moment rarely serves us well.
The Price We Pay
Defensiveness is expensive. It costs us the very thing we need most: information that could make us better at what we do.
When we respond defensively, we stop listening. We’re so focused on formulating our counter-argument that we miss the valuable insights being offered. That supervisor who sees patterns we can’t see from our vantage point? We’ve just shut them out.
Defensiveness damages relationships. Supervisors become reluctant to give us honest feedback, knowing they’ll face resistance. Colleagues start walking on eggshells around us. We develop a reputation as someone who “can’t take feedback” or is “difficult to manage.” These labels stick, often limiting our advancement more than any actual performance issue would.
Perhaps most tragically, defensiveness keeps us stuck. The professional who can’t hear feedback is the professional who stops growing. We repeat the same mistakes, blind to our weaknesses, wondering why others advance while we plateau.
From your supervisor’s perspective, your defensiveness is exhausting. They’re trying to help you succeed, and you’re making it harder than it needs to be. Eventually, they may simply stop trying.
Building a Better Response
So how do we override this deeply wired response? Here are strategies that have transformed how I receive feedback:
1. Master the Pause
When feedback lands, your first instinct will be to defend yourself. Don’t. Take a breath. Count to five if you need to. This pause interrupts the defensive reflex and creates space for a more thoughtful response. I’ve learned to say, “Thank you for sharing this. Let me take a moment to process what you’ve said.” Those few seconds can change everything.
2. Listen Like a Journalist
Approach feedback with curiosity rather than judgment. Imagine you’re a journalist trying to understand a story, not a defendant on trial. Listen for information, not insults. What specifically is being said?
What examples are being given? What outcome is your supervisor hoping for? Take notes if it helps you stay focused on understanding rather than defending.
3. Ask Questions, Not Rhetorical Ones
Instead of “But didn’t you see that I…” try “Can you help me understand what you were expecting?” or “What would success look like in this area?” Questions like “Can you give me a specific example?” or “What should I prioritize changing first?” show you’re engaged and serious about improvement. They also buy you time to manage your emotions while gathering useful information.
4. Separate Yourself from Your Work
You are not your report. You are not your presentation. You are not your project. When someone critiques your work, they’re not rejecting you as a person. Practise saying “My analysis had gaps” instead of “I’m bad at analysis.” This small linguistic shift creates psychological distance that makes feedback easier to absorb.
5. Find the Grain of Truth
Even if feedback feels 90 per cent unfair, there’s usually a grain of truth in there. Look for it. Maybe your supervisor’s delivery was harsh, but is there a valid point buried in the criticism? Maybe the feedback is based on incomplete information, but does it reveal a communication gap you need to address? That grain of truth is gold. Mine for it.
6. Express Appreciation (Yes, Really)
This feels counterintuitive when you’re hurting, but try saying “Thank you for taking the time to give me this feedback” or “I appreciate you being direct with me.” You don’t have to agree with everything said. You’re simply acknowledging that feedback takes effort and that you value your supervisor’s investment in your development. This response often transforms the entire dynamic of the conversation.
7. Follow Up After Processing
You don’t have to respond to everything immediately. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I’d like some time to reflect on this. Can we schedule a follow-up conversation?” Then actually do the reflection. Come back with: “I’ve been thinking about what you said about my time management. You’re right that I’ve been missing deadlines. Here’s what I’m going to do differently…”
Sign up for free AllAfrica Newsletters
Get the latest in African news delivered straight to your inbox
This follow-up demonstrates maturity and genuine commitment to growth. It also gives you a chance to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
The Gift You Almost Refused
Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback is one of the few gifts that comes wrapped in discomfort. The supervisors who care enough to give you honest feedback are the ones interested in your success. The ones who’ve given up on you? They stay silent, smile politely, and write you off.
Professional maturity isn’t about never feeling defensive. It’s about not letting that feeling control your response. It’s about recognizing that the temporary discomfort of hearing hard truths is far less painful than the long-term cost of remaining blind to your weaknesses.
The next time your supervisor says “We need to talk,” take a breath. Remember that this conversation, however uncomfortable, is an opportunity. The question isn’t whether the feedback is pleasant. The question is: what can you learn from it?
Your career will be shaped not by how perfectly you perform, but by how gracefully you grow. And growth always begins with the willingness to hear what we’d rather not hear.
So the next time feedback comes your way, try this: pause, listen, ask questions, and say thank you. Your future self will thank you too.
·Ruth Karachi Benson Oji is an Associate Professor of Pragmatics and (Digital Media) Discourse Analysis at Pan-Atlantic University and Lead Consultant at Karuch Consulting Limited.
